Lazy Sunday Love

Man, my last few blogs have sounded really whiny! I came across a picture online that made me think about how I think about my problems sometimes, and how I need to break myself of that bad habit.

Not the best quality pic, and not sure of the source.

Yesterday was awesome. We went into Oregon and lurked around some antique stores and secondhand shops. I found the CUTEST silver jewelry box for only $2 (seriously, the best find!), and Mish got her first Cabbage Patch Doll.
We got dinner in Oregon, and drove home through a pretty hard snow storm. It was only up in the mountains, so thankfully Yreka wasn't hit. Charlie was outside while we were gone (he's known for pooing and peeing when left alone in the house, but doesn't do it when we are home - dominance issues lately :-/), so we were anxious to get home safely and quickly.

Today has been a lazy day. We just watched the 49er game, ate breakfast, and now we're relaxing. I'm cuddled up by the heater; Michael and Mish are in the bedroom cuddled in bed. Mish is sleeping, and Michael is patting her back every now and then to keep her asleep. I'm so grateful he's doing it; if he wasn't, I'd probably be nursing her back to sleep every 10 minutes. So instead, I'm on pinterest, going on a pinning binge while the rain lighting taps my window, and my cat purrs at my side.

Happy Sunday!

Eating

Today was better than yesterday, in terms of my eating, but still not the very best. I think it's because I'm essentially stuck in our house in Yreka. It's too cold to go outside (and it's been raining on and off), and this town is so boring. The natural beauty is hard to enjoy when there's nothing to do with it (parks, hiking, swimming, etc). Just look around? I hate to sound depressing, but I appreciate the beauty from my windows and when we venture out to the store. I don't think walking around the block, that doesn't have sidewalks, avoiding black ice patches and grey slushy snow is very exciting. Our backyard is gorgeous, but it's kinda muddy from the rain. Jeeze! I sound so down, but I'm really not. I just feel stuck in the house. Which translates to me eating more junk. And since we don't keep junk-junk in the house, it's me over-eating things like PB&J and yogurt. Lol.

On the plus side, I got some great shots of Mish while I was lazing around. Such a beautiful little girl, isn't she? <3

Food, I hate you.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I think this is evident in my high weight for the past decade, but I don't think it's as obvious how big of a problem it's been.

I don't think I've ever really come out and talked about the depth of my issues with food, but tonight I'm feeling a little more anxious about binging, so I decided to keep myself busy. And I'll be totally honest, I have been sneaking food all day. Even while Michael was at work, I was sneaking food and eating it like a freaking tweaker. I know how many calories I'm supposed to eat a day, but if I don't track my breakfast, I'll just eat whatever crap I can think of for the rest of the day. This isn't new, but for the past 8 months I've been sticking with our new lifestyle change wonderfully. All of a sudden I'm having binge issues again :-/

Ugh! I feel like I just need to let it all out.

So, I am not going to lay this out in a way that places blame on anyone. I just want to talk about my history with food.

When I was younger, I was the world's pickiest eater. I think I cried at the dinner table more than I ate. I didn't like certain tastes, textures, or appearances. I swear I could find the tiniest onion in a whole pot of soup and cry that it was too oniony. It was horrible for everyone in my family.
It didn't help that my family's cupboards were filled with so much junk food. Cookies, crackers, juices, pastries, ice cream, and sugary snacks were abundant.

My sisters grabbed one snack here and there, and ate them how my mom and dad would hope. I did not do this. I binged on junk food all day. I was a junk food junkie. Soon my parents told me I needed to cool it on snacks before dinner (an obvious decision), and thus started my bad habit of sneaking food.
And it wasn't just that I sneaked the food, I had a whole way of eating my stolen goods. Take the apple homerun pies. Remember those? They were individually wrapped pies similar to the hostess ones; filled with apple pie filling, cherry filling, or chocolate pudding. Anyway, I would grab one in front of my mom, and when she looked away I would grab another and shove it down my shit. Then I'd hurry off to my room where I'd scarf the first one down as fast as I could before anyone would catch me with two pies, then slowly eat the second one in my special way. I had a whole process of eating the crust and filling. Soon my mom caught on that I was eating more than I let on, and they explicitly limited my homerun pies to one per day. I was the only one who ate them! Why did they keep buying them? I guess because they love me and thought it wasn't a big deal.

It's really sad to think about it now. Even now, I think about those effing pies! I haven't had one in years, but I remember exactly how I felt when I ate them.

Even these past 8 months of eating great haven't really changed my relationship with food. I just ignore my impulse to binge (how? I don't know. Something randomly clicked back in April and the holidays messed me up) instead of really embracing a healthy diet. I love eating better, and I feel better, but I crave junk food so much these days.

I have become really aware of parental influence on the way a child eats, and I don't want Mish to have any of my problems. We have always offered her healthy snacks, we don't really keep junk in the house, and I never let her see me making a face about food I don't like. I despise shrimp, but when she first ate it, she looked at me to see my reaction and I just smiled and said "yum!" like it was awesome that she ate such a great food.
My parents think I will do more harm than good by keeping soda and junk out of the house. They think she will become a fiend for it when she finally gets a taste. But we don't deprive her of anything. When we get a frozen yogurt or special treat, we always give her some. We just don't make food a big deal to her. We don't reward or punish with food. There is no "do this and you'll get a treat" or "if you don't do this I won't give you a treat" because food is food, not a bargaining chip. 

If I am aware of these things, why can't I just get over my deal with food? Why can't I stick to a meal plan, or not eat when I'm not hungry? Why am I still sneaking food and hating myself when I finally cave and eat that 4th pear for the day, or a whole bag of popcorn.
Side note: you CAN binge on fruit or healthy stuff. Binging is binging. Too many calories in is too many calories.

UGH! I don't think this blog entry is going to have a satisfying ending. I have no answer for myself, and I don't think anyone is going to offer up anything I haven't already heard or told myself. Plus, no one really reads this ;-)

Aye yi yi. Time for bed.

Hi

How many blogs does one woman need?! In case you click on my blog author description, you'll see another blog added to my huge collection of blogs. The new one, Bergman Family Eats, is just one for me to keep track of recipes we love. I plan on making a personal home cookbook for us to refer back to in times of need. We tend to cycle meals in and out of rotation, and I'd like to keep track of calories, ingredients, and such. Don't bother following it, but also, don't feel like I don't want anyone looking over there. It's just not going to be very entertaining. Not that this particular blog is entertaining. Haha.

In other news, snow is on the forecast for the end of the week. NO! It means I'm stuck at home, unable to drive anywhere if I want some adventure. I'm freaked out about driving in the snow. Rain is on the forecast tomorrow, but I can handle that. I actually welcome the rain; it's been a dry winter, I love the rain, and summer-me loves swimming :)

Today was pretty stressful (money stuff), but thankfully it's handled. I am so grateful for my mom and dad, that's all I'm going to say.

Yadda yadda yadda

Weight gain!

I feel like a douche even staring this blog because of what I'm going to say. I'm sad! I stepped on the scale this morning and I weighed 145.7 lbs. Okay, so this means I've gained about 6 pounds this holiday season. I mean, it could just be from this holiday season, but if I'm 100% honest with myself, it started around Halloween. I know, boo hoo, 6 lbs. But I've worked damned hard to lose every pound, so I'm mad at myself for gaining. I could throw around the blame game and say that it's muscle gain from TRX, or that I'm dehydrated so it's water weight, but I really think I just ate like a fat pig and it caught up with me.

Alrighty then! So what's today? The 6th. Okay, well starting now I'm also going to try and keep track of my weight in this journal. Any way to stay accountable, right?

Michelle is dying to go outside today, and even if I bundled her up, we'd still have to avoid all of the snow and ice that has compacted on the sides of the road. 90% of the snow has melted, but the stuff that was left behind is really hard, slick, and dirty. I don't think I'll have a stable surface to take Mish on a walk.
I really should just get all of our clothes unpacked and organized, but damn that sounds boring. Lol. Oh well, it's part of my 2014 resolution, right? Organize my life and do things that need to be done!

Lazy update

I'm mother-flipping Julia Child today. On the menu: baked potatoes chili, and hot dogs (veg for me, duh). My perfectly cooked baked potatoes were SO GOOD, and the chili that's still bubbling away smells so freaking good. Toot toot! Can't wait to have a chili dog for dinner.

Our house, of course, is a disaster from all of our clothes that we're half-ass unpacking. I was going to do it today while Michael watched the game, but I am pretty much useless with my sore ass muscles. Lol, thanks TRX, you give health, you take away mobility for a few days. It's crazy where I'm sore - under my arm pits and my upper back. I didn't even know I had muscles there!

I am sad Michael is going back to work tomorrow. I know he has to, but I wish we had just one more day to mess around. He works so hard, it's been nice to see him not constantly on the go. We're not exactly sure when we're coming back down to the Bay Area after we come down one more time this month (Mish's bestie's bday party). We need a break from driving. It's exhausting, and we never really get to spend any time doing nothing when we're home, because we want to make sure and see everyone while we can. It would be nice to do absolutely nothing in our house, but it's kind of not an option. That's why it will be nice to stay in Yreka for a bit, we can just fart around and do things without worrying about a timeline or that dam 4 hour drive. Just sucks that we don't get to see our friends/family.

Working out and heading home

I am so excited to head home, and I'm so sad that we are leaving our house. I sound like a crazy person when I say that, but I feel so conflicted about going/coming home. Are we leaving our home to go home? Is Yreka our home now?
I like that we will have our normal routine and our privacy back, but I miss my big beautiful house. I love that we are able to come down to FF at all, but it's just not the house we left behind. Soon we'll be truly home though, and things will be back to normal. In the mean time, we're headed back to Yreka.

We have so much packing to do, but I decided to go to TRX and get in my last structured workout for a while. I feel kinda sick and super sore though, so hopefully I don't regret it when I'm sitting in the car for 4 hours!
We really spread out while we were in FF these past two weeks and packing is going to be a bitch. Our room needs sorting, the downstairs does, and our car is a wreck! Not to mention our windshield was just fixed yesterday, and to avoid cabin pressure we have to leave the windows cracked for a few days. That means our car ride North is going to be loud and chilly.

Apparently Charlie is having dominance/jealousy issues with Michelle. He keeps peeing on her toys and knocking her down. We have to keep a close eye on him when we get home, but also give him some extra love and attention. He hasn't had as much attention since being in FF because we've had so many errands and plans to keep up with.

Yesterday evening we had the best time playing Cards Against Humanity with our friends Jeff and Jessica. It was the most relaxing and fun night we've had in a while! It was so laid back and fun. All we did was play, laugh, chill, then leave. I know Michael misses hanging out with Jeff, and I really miss Jess, so it was nice to see some friends while we were down. Normally we just see family, which is awesome, but we miss our friends too.

Ok, off to pack. Hopefully we get it all done quickly!

Changes

I don't really know where I'm going with this entry today. Maybe it's an introduction of sorts. I just know that I want to get a blog started and keep writing in it as the year goes on. I don't want my only records of my days to be stored on Facebook, and it's really hard for me to keep a physical journal going because I print much slower than I type. My brain moves fast and I want the words out as they come. I need a safe place to vent, cheer, and pour out my thoughts, and just babble on, without worry of repercussions. So hopefully this is it, and hopefully I am able to write a journal/blog/diary without it turning into one giant bitch-fest.

I already wrote in my public blog about my new years resolutions, so I won't rehash any of that, but all of that still is on my mind. I really want to be a more positive, stronger, and adventurous person. I don't think I can make myself into an extrovert, and that's not really my goal, it's just to push my limits and be a better me. No more lounging all day in my pjs watching TV while Michelle begs for attention. No more snapping at her and Michael because I'm bitchy from doing nothing all day. I think routine, planing, and spontaneous FUN are needed in my life. Sounds contradictory? Well I need those aspects in different parts of my life. The biggest thing I hope I will gain is patience and understanding. I feel like I've been turning into the worst of myself, and that's not cool.

I think it will start with who I confide in, who I spend my time with, and the way I feel when I'm around certain people. I need to limit my time with people who make me feel inferior, dumb, or bad about myself and my choices. I shouldn't confide in those people, and I should stop letting them dictate my self perception. I keep giving away my power (my mental power - the thing that no one even hears or feels but me) to people who abuse me (either passive aggressively or just don't value me), and I need to stop that! I will work on being better and more available to the people who are always there for me, but aren't as loud and out there about it. The people who genuinely care, the people who keep my secrets, don't talk about me behind my back, and love me for who I am, not what I give them (an ear to vent, a cute baby to play with, loans, a place holder until someone better is available).

It's easy to try and chase after love from people who hold you at arms length, but WHY bother?! I need to stop. And I also need to stop letting people bully me into doing things I don't want to do, and hiding my true self because it's not what someone else thinks is good or cool. I say weird things, I act in weird ways, I'm a freaking weirdo. Get over it! I'm not always aware of my voice level, who is in ear shot, or what is socially acceptable (not in a rude way, just in a weird/nerdy/awkward way), and that's okay! I shouldn't have to shove down my true self because I'm worried about what Susan the neighbor or Rhonda the woman passing by thinks of me. My husband loves me, my child loves me, and they accept me for who I am, so I should start doing it too - and ignore the snide remakes/raised eyebrows/or whispers behind my back. I am me, I get ONE life, and I don't want to waste it. I'm not saying this with any one person in mind, and it's not about others, it's about ME and how I have been acting lately.

I'm going to stop guessing what others want or need, and just ask. I won't play into anyone's games, and I won't do things based on some weird sense of obligation or mind reading attempt. You want me, my daughter, my husband? Ask for us. You want me to do something for you? Ask me. You think I'm being awkward, rude, or inappropriate. Tell me! But I won't dwell or feel bad about it, because I am trying to be a better me in this world.

I really hope this doesn't sound mean, because I'm not coming from a mean place. I am hoping this sounds more decisive, more intuitive with myself, and anxious to be better. Not for anyone other than me and my little immediate family. <3