Lost

So, If you’re here looking for more entries on my pregnancy, then don’t. My exciting news is no longer happy, as I've lost the baby. It’s been horrible – very bad cramping, huge blood clots, and nausea. I dreamed all night about it, and I woke up feeling scared and guilty. In my dreams I was being blamed for it all. I didn't drink enough water, I was breastfeeding my toddler too much, I haven’t been eating well.

I’m afraid this will happen again unless I lose some more weight and get healthier. Work out, eat clean, think positively, and take care of myself. I know I need to wean Michelle, but it’s been so hard lately. She’s very aggressive and abusive when I deny her. It’s not her fault though, she’s found comfort and nutrition in my breasts from the moment she was born.

The timing was just too perfect for our little second baby. I mean, life is imperfect, flawed, hard, and mean. How could I have thought that we’d be lucky enough to have all of our plans work out so nicely? Isn't this past year indicative of how life can be? Being forced to move to Yreka for the year? Having a fallout with my sister, my mother taking her side, stress about paying for two households, and weekly 4 hour drives to and from home? We've calculated it, and it’s been almost 288 hours in the car this year. That’s a lot of driving.

Either way, my point is that things just haven’t been as perfect as people may think. We strive to stay happy and whole while life throws us curve balls, and I guess that’s all we can do. But still. I can’t believe my body betrayed me – betrayed us like that. Michael is just as sad as I am. He held me so tight, so close, while I cried. He even shed a few tears. We didn't jump into this blindly, we were excited and prepared.

We've definitely learned our lesson about sharing the news though. It was hard having to tell people I lost the baby. And hear things like “are you sure” and “it’s okay” because of course I’m sure, and it’s not okay. I don’t really want advice, and nothing is comforting me right now. I don’t want to have to put on a brave face, a tone of understanding, or any other things to avoid offending others if they try and make me feel better. I usually try and show others respect and kindness – and right now I want to be selfish. I want to cry, and mope, and mourn my teeny tiny lost baby. I was 5 weeks/5 weeks 2 days when I miscarried, and my baby was just forming a tail. Not quite a little tadpole baby, but on its way. It was a baby, not just a cluster of cells or a chemical reaction. It was my baby.

Next time Michael and I will wait until we see our doctor and hear our baby’s heartbeat before we tell before we tell anyone. I am so open with my life, and I’m not ashamed of it, but it’s hard to sit here and write this entry. It’s hard to explain that our over-the-moon excitement has crashed and burned, and that we’re all just sort of floundering right now.

If you’re reading this, thanks for the love and warm thoughts; they are so appreciated. I just need time to wallow.

Baby #2

Guess what?! I'm pregnant! :)

We found out on the 3rd after I woke up at 6:30 to take a test. It was already a rough morning because I had to call the cops on our military neighbors while they were blasting techno music at 4:00 am, so when I woke up at 6:30 I didn't expect much. To my delight, I saw a faint line! I couldn't stop smiling! I ran into the room and Michael and Mish were sleeping so adorably that I didn't want to bug him. I poked him in the toe anyway! Lol. He didn't wake up so I slid back into bed. I was laying there smiling and Michael opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled. I whispered "I saw a line. I'm pregnant" and he said "that's great! I'm so happy!" He leaned over the sleeping Michelle between us and gave me a kiss. I said "I love you" and he said "I love you too" and Michelle sleepily said "I love you too". Hahaha! It was such a beautiful moment. We all went back to sleep, and when I woke up Mish did something so sweet that I'll never forget. She just randomly hugged me, kissed both of my cheeks, and said "I love you, Mama". I died. She is so sweet.

I text my mom and told her to call me; she did and I told her. She was very excited :)

Later we went to the dentist (where my mother in law would be cleaning my teeth) and met up with my sister-in-law Rach. When we walked in there Mish said "Mommy's pregnant!" which sounds like "mommy pickant" and it took a sec for them to realize what she said. It was so cute!
I took a vid of Mish saying "mommy pregnant" and sent it to Nikki, she was so excited too :)

And then of course I told Wendy because we always tell each other right when we find out! Lol. And I waited a bit, but later in the day told my closest friends.

We're so excited. Mish keeps saying "baby sister" and saying "mama belly button baby". Haha!

hi

This morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test because apparently I'm a masochist and love to be sad. Lol. I SWORE I saw a super super faint line, but then today I had really light spotting. So period will probably be here tomorrow/the 4th of July. Ill say I won't test again, but then I will. Who am I kidding? Lol.

Michael comes home today and I am SO excited! It's been 3 days since I've seen him and I miss him. I don't expect him to be in the best mood because he's been working 10-13 hour days, and cleaning the house like crazy. He's probably so tired and anxious to get a break from working! After our dentist appointment tomorrow morning, the rest of the day will be all about fun.

TTC moans

Based on my period for the past few months, I'm 3 days late. But I looked back on my old period log and every few months my period will jump up to a longer cycle then go back to normal. So WHO KNOWS when the heck my period is going to start. My tracker usually predicts it perfectly, but I guess this month is a fluke.
I keep getting negative tests too. Damn, I was really hoping for a March baby. Then both of my kiddos would have their own birthday months to themselves :) April is Anthony's birthday month and Easter time.

I had a very quick and ouch-inducing pap today. Woo. Lol. It made me think of when I was in there for my prenatal appointments with Michelle. I had the BEST doctor and now she's not practicing. I am nervous to see a new OB/NP, but I'm more nervous that I won't get pregnant, and the only time I'll be in those rooms is for quick annoying paps. Lol. See how annoying I am after 1 month of ttc? Imagine me if it takes a year or more! :-/