Abuse. Trigger warning.

You know what amazes me? That a parent could speak to a small child with anything but love and understanding. I hate seeing parents belittle, shame, or scream at their children for things such as crying, being too sensitive, or having feelings. I've witnessed people screaming at their kids for crying or being afraid. Hmm, I can't imagine how much that parent would complain if another adult spoke to him/her that way. He/she would probably moan about it and be indignant, but they wouldn't be able to put in perspective, would they? Maybe the parent was stressed out? But maybe after the 10th time of being "stressed" and blowing up at your kid, he/she won't trust that parent anymore, or will feel resentment towards that parent. Maybe even shame about himself or have self esteem issues.

What's even more frightening is the adult that screams at, and belittles his/her grown child. It's hard to be that grown child, feeling shame and abuse, but no power over the situation. Being a parent who plays mind games sounds horrible to me, and having one is even worse. Those mind games can come from one parent, who just causes drama, shame, or has too high of expectations that are always let down. They can also come from another parent who acts calm when he's getting his way, then blows up and physically/verbally abuses his family is he doesn't get his way. Then he'll make the abused person feel guilty for causing the blow-up. Hmm. Maybe he's to blame. Maybe the little bug in his ear buzz buzz buzzing away is to blame? But never the abused person.

It's hard to break a cycle of abuse. To say "no!" and even more to have kindness and compassion when parenting your own children after growing up with that abuse. Having a grandfather, father, and sister with rage issues that are swept aside by enabling grandmothers, wives, and mothers doesn't stop the problem. It keeps it going for another generation. These are the people that tell you *not* to post on facebook about your feelings, who expect things to just get swept under the rug when they feel things are getting too real. They don't want their fun and carefree image with their friends to be sullied. They value their friends, they own their children.

Lost

So, If you’re here looking for more entries on my pregnancy, then don’t. My exciting news is no longer happy, as I've lost the baby. It’s been horrible – very bad cramping, huge blood clots, and nausea. I dreamed all night about it, and I woke up feeling scared and guilty. In my dreams I was being blamed for it all. I didn't drink enough water, I was breastfeeding my toddler too much, I haven’t been eating well.

I’m afraid this will happen again unless I lose some more weight and get healthier. Work out, eat clean, think positively, and take care of myself. I know I need to wean Michelle, but it’s been so hard lately. She’s very aggressive and abusive when I deny her. It’s not her fault though, she’s found comfort and nutrition in my breasts from the moment she was born.

The timing was just too perfect for our little second baby. I mean, life is imperfect, flawed, hard, and mean. How could I have thought that we’d be lucky enough to have all of our plans work out so nicely? Isn't this past year indicative of how life can be? Being forced to move to Yreka for the year? Having a fallout with my sister, my mother taking her side, stress about paying for two households, and weekly 4 hour drives to and from home? We've calculated it, and it’s been almost 288 hours in the car this year. That’s a lot of driving.

Either way, my point is that things just haven’t been as perfect as people may think. We strive to stay happy and whole while life throws us curve balls, and I guess that’s all we can do. But still. I can’t believe my body betrayed me – betrayed us like that. Michael is just as sad as I am. He held me so tight, so close, while I cried. He even shed a few tears. We didn't jump into this blindly, we were excited and prepared.

We've definitely learned our lesson about sharing the news though. It was hard having to tell people I lost the baby. And hear things like “are you sure” and “it’s okay” because of course I’m sure, and it’s not okay. I don’t really want advice, and nothing is comforting me right now. I don’t want to have to put on a brave face, a tone of understanding, or any other things to avoid offending others if they try and make me feel better. I usually try and show others respect and kindness – and right now I want to be selfish. I want to cry, and mope, and mourn my teeny tiny lost baby. I was 5 weeks/5 weeks 2 days when I miscarried, and my baby was just forming a tail. Not quite a little tadpole baby, but on its way. It was a baby, not just a cluster of cells or a chemical reaction. It was my baby.

Next time Michael and I will wait until we see our doctor and hear our baby’s heartbeat before we tell before we tell anyone. I am so open with my life, and I’m not ashamed of it, but it’s hard to sit here and write this entry. It’s hard to explain that our over-the-moon excitement has crashed and burned, and that we’re all just sort of floundering right now.

If you’re reading this, thanks for the love and warm thoughts; they are so appreciated. I just need time to wallow.

Baby #2

Guess what?! I'm pregnant! :)

We found out on the 3rd after I woke up at 6:30 to take a test. It was already a rough morning because I had to call the cops on our military neighbors while they were blasting techno music at 4:00 am, so when I woke up at 6:30 I didn't expect much. To my delight, I saw a faint line! I couldn't stop smiling! I ran into the room and Michael and Mish were sleeping so adorably that I didn't want to bug him. I poked him in the toe anyway! Lol. He didn't wake up so I slid back into bed. I was laying there smiling and Michael opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled. I whispered "I saw a line. I'm pregnant" and he said "that's great! I'm so happy!" He leaned over the sleeping Michelle between us and gave me a kiss. I said "I love you" and he said "I love you too" and Michelle sleepily said "I love you too". Hahaha! It was such a beautiful moment. We all went back to sleep, and when I woke up Mish did something so sweet that I'll never forget. She just randomly hugged me, kissed both of my cheeks, and said "I love you, Mama". I died. She is so sweet.

I text my mom and told her to call me; she did and I told her. She was very excited :)

Later we went to the dentist (where my mother in law would be cleaning my teeth) and met up with my sister-in-law Rach. When we walked in there Mish said "Mommy's pregnant!" which sounds like "mommy pickant" and it took a sec for them to realize what she said. It was so cute!
I took a vid of Mish saying "mommy pregnant" and sent it to Nikki, she was so excited too :)

And then of course I told Wendy because we always tell each other right when we find out! Lol. And I waited a bit, but later in the day told my closest friends.

We're so excited. Mish keeps saying "baby sister" and saying "mama belly button baby". Haha!

hi

This morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test because apparently I'm a masochist and love to be sad. Lol. I SWORE I saw a super super faint line, but then today I had really light spotting. So period will probably be here tomorrow/the 4th of July. Ill say I won't test again, but then I will. Who am I kidding? Lol.

Michael comes home today and I am SO excited! It's been 3 days since I've seen him and I miss him. I don't expect him to be in the best mood because he's been working 10-13 hour days, and cleaning the house like crazy. He's probably so tired and anxious to get a break from working! After our dentist appointment tomorrow morning, the rest of the day will be all about fun.

TTC moans

Based on my period for the past few months, I'm 3 days late. But I looked back on my old period log and every few months my period will jump up to a longer cycle then go back to normal. So WHO KNOWS when the heck my period is going to start. My tracker usually predicts it perfectly, but I guess this month is a fluke.
I keep getting negative tests too. Damn, I was really hoping for a March baby. Then both of my kiddos would have their own birthday months to themselves :) April is Anthony's birthday month and Easter time.

I had a very quick and ouch-inducing pap today. Woo. Lol. It made me think of when I was in there for my prenatal appointments with Michelle. I had the BEST doctor and now she's not practicing. I am nervous to see a new OB/NP, but I'm more nervous that I won't get pregnant, and the only time I'll be in those rooms is for quick annoying paps. Lol. See how annoying I am after 1 month of ttc? Imagine me if it takes a year or more! :-/

Love and Frustration

I am so frustrated, but also so happy. Yesterday Michael and I had a great time celebrating our anniversary by going out to dinner, grabbing ice cream and walking along a river trail, and driving through the valley, looking at all of the beautiful vineyards and wineries. We also stopped off by our old high school and checked out the mural I helped make, that was up on the wall. Yeah ceramics club! Lol. It was glorious to do all of this alone with Michael <3 And even better, my stupid period hasn't shown up yet!

Downside: I've now had two days where I had a negative pregnancy test! If my period is going to start and I'm not pregnant, then just start already so I can get back to trying to conceive. It's so discouraging to look down and see that little empty box that should have a plus sign. BLAH. I was hoping I would wake up and have a positive test, so I could share it with Michael and we could relish in the news all day. If I am pregnant and I find out later in the week, he won't be here and I'll have to tell him over the phone :( Stupid work. Why can't we just have money and never work? Lazy woman's dream over here.

In all honestly, I feel pregnant. But maybe it's just extended PMS? Maybe I just want it so badly that I'm having these symptoms? Either way, I guess I'll take a break from testing, because it's just bumming me out. (Remember to tell that to 5:00 am-Jessica tomorrow because I'm sure her psycho ass will test anyways and break normal-time Jessica's heart).

Anxious!

Tomorrow's a pretty big day. I'm taking a pregnancy test if my period doesn't start over night! But that's not the biggest thing about tomorrow - Michael and I are celebrating 10 years together! TEN! We have the morning to spend together, a birthday party in the afternoon, and then we're going out to dinner and maybe a movie in Napa. I'm really looking forward to it! :)

Nothing but rambles

SO, I found my old blog entry from when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept track of my period date, ovulation, and testing dates. If I apply that same timeline to my current cycle, I should test on Saturday the 28th, which is when I was going to anyways because it's when Aunt Flo is supposed to start.

I still think my period is going to start, but I'm so anxious and excited to see if it doesn't. Gosh, am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I wish I was one of those people that could just have sex, and then wait around for a missed period without thinking about it day and night.

Right now it's raining in Yreka, which is weird because we're 5 days away from July! Of course it's going to be 99 back at home all next week. Lol, why do I always bring the heatwaves home with me?!
Mish is fighting a nap right now, and making a huge mess of the house. I stayed up until 12:30 last night cleaning this place and it's amazing how fast it got messy. Lol! Oh life with a toddler <3

PMS or Pregnant?

I've been super grouchy the past few days. Like, bite your head off for breathing loudly kind of grouchy. I think I'm PMSing, which would mean no dice on that June pregnancy wish. :( Hopefully it's just a side-effect of being sick, and not Aunt Flo's impending doom.

My house is so messy, my kid is gunky-faced and shaggy-haired, and I look like that crazy neighbor you want to avoid because you're worried I'll get you sick or set a spell on you. Lol.

Michael is on his way home and he said he's going to take Michelle to the grocery store with him so I can wail and cast spells alone in my hovel. Even the weather is reflecting my grouchy mood. It's super overcast and windy here in Yreka - and it's the end of June! Serious angry witch magic going on.

---
Michael just came and left with Michelle. I told him abut my fear that my period's about to start and he said "I hope not! I really hope you're pregnant" Even though he didn't mean to, he brightened my mood significantly. Just knowing that he wants this as much as me makes me feel less alone. <3

Sickness and Road Trip Rambles

I remember when the drive to and from Redding felt so long. Now, once we get to Redding after 2.5 hours in the car, we know that we only have 1.5 hours left until we reach Yreka. Haha. It’s all about perspective, I guess.

Right now it is 7:45 am and Michael has been driving since 5 am. Mish is sleeping in the back and Charlie is looking over the seat at me, wondering what that clicking sound is (my keyboard). He usually sleeps, with random bouts of looking out the window or licking Michelle’s feet.

Last Monday on our drive home Mish had woken up to day 2 of a bad cold bug, and she barely slept more than 30 minute intervals. The drive was so bad on her head (the elevation changes once we hit Redding are killer if you’re congested – driving up the Mountain and then back down), that all she did was cry and fuss. I felt so bad for her. I felt even worse for her when we drove back to the Bay Area on Friday when I was the one congested. I then knew how bad that drive really was for her, and I don’t blame her for not being able to sleep or get comfortable. This cold is killer; it consists of congestion with a runny nose (how?!), sore throat and coughing, and headaches.

Michelle has almost kicked the cold (it’s been a week of bad nights and round the clock nursing. My milk supply is way too much now), but now I’m fighting it off. I think if I got sick first, I could have kicked it quicker, and then she would have some of my immunities…but alas, she got sick first and drained my body of nutrients while she nursed 24/7. Lol. I don’t blame her though, she can’t control getting sick, and the most comforting thing she knows of doing is nursing in Mama’s arms. She’s even been asking for it while we are driving, and will cry until we pull over. That part’s not cool. She’s having trouble soothing herself when she gets restless. Hopefully she feels better this week and we can all get some much needed rest.

I’m a little worried that my body will be tricked into thinking I’m not fit to get pregnant yet, because it’s been getting sucked dry, and then I got ill. Last night Mish cried to nurse, and I let her for a bit. But then I started getting cramps in my lower stomach (uterus?) and got freaked. How on earth will I wean this child? I don’t want her to feel like I’m just ripping her off the boob and throwing her to the wolves, but slowly cutting back hasn’t seemed to work. We were down to mornings, nap, nighttime nursing sessions (sometimes skipping one or the other), but then it picked up big time when she got sick.

Man, this blog entry sure was rambly. Rambling? I rambled. Woo.