Changes

I don't really know where I'm going with this entry today. Maybe it's an introduction of sorts. I just know that I want to get a blog started and keep writing in it as the year goes on. I don't want my only records of my days to be stored on Facebook, and it's really hard for me to keep a physical journal going because I print much slower than I type. My brain moves fast and I want the words out as they come. I need a safe place to vent, cheer, and pour out my thoughts, and just babble on, without worry of repercussions. So hopefully this is it, and hopefully I am able to write a journal/blog/diary without it turning into one giant bitch-fest.

I already wrote in my public blog about my new years resolutions, so I won't rehash any of that, but all of that still is on my mind. I really want to be a more positive, stronger, and adventurous person. I don't think I can make myself into an extrovert, and that's not really my goal, it's just to push my limits and be a better me. No more lounging all day in my pjs watching TV while Michelle begs for attention. No more snapping at her and Michael because I'm bitchy from doing nothing all day. I think routine, planing, and spontaneous FUN are needed in my life. Sounds contradictory? Well I need those aspects in different parts of my life. The biggest thing I hope I will gain is patience and understanding. I feel like I've been turning into the worst of myself, and that's not cool.

I think it will start with who I confide in, who I spend my time with, and the way I feel when I'm around certain people. I need to limit my time with people who make me feel inferior, dumb, or bad about myself and my choices. I shouldn't confide in those people, and I should stop letting them dictate my self perception. I keep giving away my power (my mental power - the thing that no one even hears or feels but me) to people who abuse me (either passive aggressively or just don't value me), and I need to stop that! I will work on being better and more available to the people who are always there for me, but aren't as loud and out there about it. The people who genuinely care, the people who keep my secrets, don't talk about me behind my back, and love me for who I am, not what I give them (an ear to vent, a cute baby to play with, loans, a place holder until someone better is available).

It's easy to try and chase after love from people who hold you at arms length, but WHY bother?! I need to stop. And I also need to stop letting people bully me into doing things I don't want to do, and hiding my true self because it's not what someone else thinks is good or cool. I say weird things, I act in weird ways, I'm a freaking weirdo. Get over it! I'm not always aware of my voice level, who is in ear shot, or what is socially acceptable (not in a rude way, just in a weird/nerdy/awkward way), and that's okay! I shouldn't have to shove down my true self because I'm worried about what Susan the neighbor or Rhonda the woman passing by thinks of me. My husband loves me, my child loves me, and they accept me for who I am, so I should start doing it too - and ignore the snide remakes/raised eyebrows/or whispers behind my back. I am me, I get ONE life, and I don't want to waste it. I'm not saying this with any one person in mind, and it's not about others, it's about ME and how I have been acting lately.

I'm going to stop guessing what others want or need, and just ask. I won't play into anyone's games, and I won't do things based on some weird sense of obligation or mind reading attempt. You want me, my daughter, my husband? Ask for us. You want me to do something for you? Ask me. You think I'm being awkward, rude, or inappropriate. Tell me! But I won't dwell or feel bad about it, because I am trying to be a better me in this world.

I really hope this doesn't sound mean, because I'm not coming from a mean place. I am hoping this sounds more decisive, more intuitive with myself, and anxious to be better. Not for anyone other than me and my little immediate family. <3