Lost

So, If you’re here looking for more entries on my pregnancy, then don’t. My exciting news is no longer happy, as I've lost the baby. It’s been horrible – very bad cramping, huge blood clots, and nausea. I dreamed all night about it, and I woke up feeling scared and guilty. In my dreams I was being blamed for it all. I didn't drink enough water, I was breastfeeding my toddler too much, I haven’t been eating well.

I’m afraid this will happen again unless I lose some more weight and get healthier. Work out, eat clean, think positively, and take care of myself. I know I need to wean Michelle, but it’s been so hard lately. She’s very aggressive and abusive when I deny her. It’s not her fault though, she’s found comfort and nutrition in my breasts from the moment she was born.

The timing was just too perfect for our little second baby. I mean, life is imperfect, flawed, hard, and mean. How could I have thought that we’d be lucky enough to have all of our plans work out so nicely? Isn't this past year indicative of how life can be? Being forced to move to Yreka for the year? Having a fallout with my sister, my mother taking her side, stress about paying for two households, and weekly 4 hour drives to and from home? We've calculated it, and it’s been almost 288 hours in the car this year. That’s a lot of driving.

Either way, my point is that things just haven’t been as perfect as people may think. We strive to stay happy and whole while life throws us curve balls, and I guess that’s all we can do. But still. I can’t believe my body betrayed me – betrayed us like that. Michael is just as sad as I am. He held me so tight, so close, while I cried. He even shed a few tears. We didn't jump into this blindly, we were excited and prepared.

We've definitely learned our lesson about sharing the news though. It was hard having to tell people I lost the baby. And hear things like “are you sure” and “it’s okay” because of course I’m sure, and it’s not okay. I don’t really want advice, and nothing is comforting me right now. I don’t want to have to put on a brave face, a tone of understanding, or any other things to avoid offending others if they try and make me feel better. I usually try and show others respect and kindness – and right now I want to be selfish. I want to cry, and mope, and mourn my teeny tiny lost baby. I was 5 weeks/5 weeks 2 days when I miscarried, and my baby was just forming a tail. Not quite a little tadpole baby, but on its way. It was a baby, not just a cluster of cells or a chemical reaction. It was my baby.

Next time Michael and I will wait until we see our doctor and hear our baby’s heartbeat before we tell before we tell anyone. I am so open with my life, and I’m not ashamed of it, but it’s hard to sit here and write this entry. It’s hard to explain that our over-the-moon excitement has crashed and burned, and that we’re all just sort of floundering right now.

If you’re reading this, thanks for the love and warm thoughts; they are so appreciated. I just need time to wallow.