Sunday, June 29, 2014

Love and Frustration

I am so frustrated, but also so happy. Yesterday Michael and I had a great time celebrating our anniversary by going out to dinner, grabbing ice cream and walking along a river trail, and driving through the valley, looking at all of the beautiful vineyards and wineries. We also stopped off by our old high school and checked out the mural I helped make, that was up on the wall. Yeah ceramics club! Lol. It was glorious to do all of this alone with Michael <3 And even better, my stupid period hasn't shown up yet!

Downside: I've now had two days where I had a negative pregnancy test! If my period is going to start and I'm not pregnant, then just start already so I can get back to trying to conceive. It's so discouraging to look down and see that little empty box that should have a plus sign. BLAH. I was hoping I would wake up and have a positive test, so I could share it with Michael and we could relish in the news all day. If I am pregnant and I find out later in the week, he won't be here and I'll have to tell him over the phone :( Stupid work. Why can't we just have money and never work? Lazy woman's dream over here.

In all honestly, I feel pregnant. But maybe it's just extended PMS? Maybe I just want it so badly that I'm having these symptoms? Either way, I guess I'll take a break from testing, because it's just bumming me out. (Remember to tell that to 5:00 am-Jessica tomorrow because I'm sure her psycho ass will test anyways and break normal-time Jessica's heart).

Friday, June 27, 2014

Anxious!

Tomorrow's a pretty big day. I'm taking a pregnancy test if my period doesn't start over night! But that's not the biggest thing about tomorrow - Michael and I are celebrating 10 years together! TEN! We have the morning to spend together, a birthday party in the afternoon, and then we're going out to dinner and maybe a movie in Napa. I'm really looking forward to it! :)


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Nothing but rambles

SO, I found my old blog entry from when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept track of my period date, ovulation, and testing dates. If I apply that same timeline to my current cycle, I should test on Saturday the 28th, which is when I was going to anyways because it's when Aunt Flo is supposed to start.

I still think my period is going to start, but I'm so anxious and excited to see if it doesn't. Gosh, am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I wish I was one of those people that could just have sex, and then wait around for a missed period without thinking about it day and night.

Right now it's raining in Yreka, which is weird because we're 5 days away from July! Of course it's going to be 99 back at home all next week. Lol, why do I always bring the heatwaves home with me?!
Mish is fighting a nap right now, and making a huge mess of the house. I stayed up until 12:30 last night cleaning this place and it's amazing how fast it got messy. Lol! Oh life with a toddler <3

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

PMS or Pregnant?

I've been super grouchy the past few days. Like, bite your head off for breathing loudly kind of grouchy. I think I'm PMSing, which would mean no dice on that June pregnancy wish. :( Hopefully it's just a side-effect of being sick, and not Aunt Flo's impending doom.

My house is so messy, my kid is gunky-faced and shaggy-haired, and I look like that crazy neighbor you want to avoid because you're worried I'll get you sick or set a spell on you. Lol.

Michael is on his way home and he said he's going to take Michelle to the grocery store with him so I can wail and cast spells alone in my hovel. Even the weather is reflecting my grouchy mood. It's super overcast and windy here in Yreka - and it's the end of June! Serious angry witch magic going on.

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Michael just came and left with Michelle. I told him abut my fear that my period's about to start and he said "I hope not! I really hope you're pregnant" Even though he didn't mean to, he brightened my mood significantly. Just knowing that he wants this as much as me makes me feel less alone. <3

Monday, June 23, 2014

Sickness and Road Trip Rambles

I remember when the drive to and from Redding felt so long. Now, once we get to Redding after 2.5 hours in the car, we know that we only have 1.5 hours left until we reach Yreka. Haha. It’s all about perspective, I guess.

Right now it is 7:45 am and Michael has been driving since 5 am. Mish is sleeping in the back and Charlie is looking over the seat at me, wondering what that clicking sound is (my keyboard). He usually sleeps, with random bouts of looking out the window or licking Michelle’s feet.

Last Monday on our drive home Mish had woken up to day 2 of a bad cold bug, and she barely slept more than 30 minute intervals. The drive was so bad on her head (the elevation changes once we hit Redding are killer if you’re congested – driving up the Mountain and then back down), that all she did was cry and fuss. I felt so bad for her. I felt even worse for her when we drove back to the Bay Area on Friday when I was the one congested. I then knew how bad that drive really was for her, and I don’t blame her for not being able to sleep or get comfortable. This cold is killer; it consists of congestion with a runny nose (how?!), sore throat and coughing, and headaches.

Michelle has almost kicked the cold (it’s been a week of bad nights and round the clock nursing. My milk supply is way too much now), but now I’m fighting it off. I think if I got sick first, I could have kicked it quicker, and then she would have some of my immunities…but alas, she got sick first and drained my body of nutrients while she nursed 24/7. Lol. I don’t blame her though, she can’t control getting sick, and the most comforting thing she knows of doing is nursing in Mama’s arms. She’s even been asking for it while we are driving, and will cry until we pull over. That part’s not cool. She’s having trouble soothing herself when she gets restless. Hopefully she feels better this week and we can all get some much needed rest.

I’m a little worried that my body will be tricked into thinking I’m not fit to get pregnant yet, because it’s been getting sucked dry, and then I got ill. Last night Mish cried to nurse, and I let her for a bit. But then I started getting cramps in my lower stomach (uterus?) and got freaked. How on earth will I wean this child? I don’t want her to feel like I’m just ripping her off the boob and throwing her to the wolves, but slowly cutting back hasn’t seemed to work. We were down to mornings, nap, nighttime nursing sessions (sometimes skipping one or the other), but then it picked up big time when she got sick.


Man, this blog entry sure was rambly. Rambling? I rambled. Woo.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Time Flies

Listening to Alanis Morissette while driving from Y to the Bay Area. Makes me think of being young in the 90's, wearing inside-out sweatshirts that were longer than my shorts, riding my roller blades all over town until the street lights came on, and feeling so happy and free. I still feel happy (ridiculously happy, actually), but there is no feeling in the world like being a kid and seeing the whole world in front of you. It’s just a shame that we can’t appreciate what we have until we've grown out of it. Thankfully with adulthood we are able to savor the moment.
I guess that’s one fun thing about being a parent: watching your kids experience those things you did, and being able to appreciate it this time around. Hindsight and whatnot ;-) I think it’s also what makes me a horrible sucker when it comes to buying toys. I think of all the fun I had with certain toys, and the yearning I had for others, and I just can’t stop myself from buying those things for Mish. Lol.


Now this post wouldn't be complete without a totally random and rambling exert about my desire to be pregnant and my fears that I won’t conceive for a while. Part of me thinks I might be pregnant, but then another part of me is so cynical and pragmatic. I felt like such a fertile-Myrtle when I got pregnant with Mish the first time we tried, but after hanging out in pregnancy forums I’m scared and anxious. Ugh! I would avoid them, but I get so obsessive about things and I know it wears Michael out, so I try and limit my obsessive rants to him. Lol. 


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Britax Stroller and Ovulating

I'm such a weirdo. I am not even pregnant yet (that I know of) and I am already researching the stroller I want to buy. It's the Britax B Ready. It converts into a double stroller and it's really freaking cute. I've been watching videos all day about it, and now I am dying to buy one. I think I am going to buy it in stages. If I can find it for a good price I'll get the stroller (Mish still rides in one) now, then the car seat once we find out I'm pregnant and what the sex of the baby is going to be.

This week Michelle has been extra grouchy and wouldn't eat anything (other than trying to nurse all day), so I've been pretty stressed out. I don't blame her though, she's sick. My poor kid caught some kind of coughing, sore throat, congested bug. She's been miserable for almost a week, so hopefully this weekend she feels better. I want her to have fun, eat, and be her normal, happy self. She's such a sweetie, so it's hard to have her being so moody.

I've decided that if I start my period on the 28th-4th (meaning I'm not knocked up), then I'm going to start tracking my basal body temperature to know exactly when I'm ovulating. I am on a baby/pregnancy/ttc forum and all of the women are so knowledgeable about their ovulation. I know that my cycle has been freaking crazy since giving birth, but my iPhone period tracking app is usually right about predicting my period start date. For the past few months I've been having a 25 day cycle. If it tracks my ovulation correctly, then Michael and I did the deed on the last possible day for conception. If I give myself until the 4th to start my period, then I ovulated later and we bumped uglies a few times during our window of opportunity. It's so frustrating to have a period that has a mind of its own.



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Trying Again

I have this pent up energy and nowhere to really turn or write. I love love LOVE my Bergman Diaries blog, but the thing I want to talk about is not something I really want to write about on there. Usually I would, but lately I feel like I should start holding back online. Everyone else I know has this normal amount of privacy, and I'm here like "hey I pooped today and it was brown and green!". Lol. I don't feel shame about my own lake of modesty, but sometimes I wonder if I should.

Anyways, since I haven't been telling anyone when I've been updating my main blog, I haven't gotten any views or comments. If that one is going unwatched, I know this one definitely is. Makes a good place to keep track of my thoughts, vents, and too-private-to-post-about things :)

Okay, here we go!

Up until this month I have been so sure that I don't want another baby. I looked into the eyes of my gorgeous little toddler and knew that she fulfilled every hope and dream I ever had for a child of my own. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, but if you want to read that go check out Bergman Diaries ;-)
I mentioned something like this to Diann and she said that saying things like that to people with multiple kids is offensive. That they might think that I'm saying that parents will stop once they get the "good" kid, and said "don't you think they love that first kid more than anything?" and it made something click in my mind.

Having another kid wouldn't mean that Michelle means any less to me, or that she still isn't the coolest freaking kid in the world, but it means that I can have a whole house full of awesome people. I'm not saying that I am not afraid of my love being enough, and that I'm not afraid of Michelle feeling confused, unwanted, or ignored. What I am saying is that I think every parent worries about this when they bring another child into this world, and that everyone I know loves ALL of their kids just as much, and as fiercely as I love Michelle.

All of that rambling and venting means one thing: I am ready for another amazing, awesome, cool child. I talked to Michael about it, and so it he. It's scary when I think about it too hard, but I know in my heart that it's time.
I've been tracking my period since Michelle was born, so hopefully my ovulation tracker(s) are accurate. One says I was ovulating last week, one says this week. My cervical fluid was optimal a few days ago, so hopefully my egg captured some silly sperm and I have a baby brewing. Who knows..we'll see between our 10 year anniversary (ah!) on the 28th, and the 4th of July. If my period doesn't start on the 28th, I might do a test..or I might wait until the 4th. Ah! Crazy to think about.

However, Mish caught a cold and has been nursing SO much lately, so that could impact my abilities to conceive right now (dries up cervical fluids). Lol, good timing! I think if I get pregnant, then yay! If not this month, then we'll try again in July.

Feels good to write about! <3