Abuse. Trigger warning.

You know what amazes me? That a parent could speak to a small child with anything but love and understanding. I hate seeing parents belittle, shame, or scream at their children for things such as crying, being too sensitive, or having feelings. I've witnessed people screaming at their kids for crying or being afraid. Hmm, I can't imagine how much that parent would complain if another adult spoke to him/her that way. He/she would probably moan about it and be indignant, but they wouldn't be able to put in perspective, would they? Maybe the parent was stressed out? But maybe after the 10th time of being "stressed" and blowing up at your kid, he/she won't trust that parent anymore, or will feel resentment towards that parent. Maybe even shame about himself or have self esteem issues.

What's even more frightening is the adult that screams at, and belittles his/her grown child. It's hard to be that grown child, feeling shame and abuse, but no power over the situation. Being a parent who plays mind games sounds horrible to me, and having one is even worse. Those mind games can come from one parent, who just causes drama, shame, or has too high of expectations that are always let down. They can also come from another parent who acts calm when he's getting his way, then blows up and physically/verbally abuses his family is he doesn't get his way. Then he'll make the abused person feel guilty for causing the blow-up. Hmm. Maybe he's to blame. Maybe the little bug in his ear buzz buzz buzzing away is to blame? But never the abused person.

It's hard to break a cycle of abuse. To say "no!" and even more to have kindness and compassion when parenting your own children after growing up with that abuse. Having a grandfather, father, and sister with rage issues that are swept aside by enabling grandmothers, wives, and mothers doesn't stop the problem. It keeps it going for another generation. These are the people that tell you *not* to post on facebook about your feelings, who expect things to just get swept under the rug when they feel things are getting too real. They don't want their fun and carefree image with their friends to be sullied. They value their friends, they own their children.

Lost

So, If you’re here looking for more entries on my pregnancy, then don’t. My exciting news is no longer happy, as I've lost the baby. It’s been horrible – very bad cramping, huge blood clots, and nausea. I dreamed all night about it, and I woke up feeling scared and guilty. In my dreams I was being blamed for it all. I didn't drink enough water, I was breastfeeding my toddler too much, I haven’t been eating well.

I’m afraid this will happen again unless I lose some more weight and get healthier. Work out, eat clean, think positively, and take care of myself. I know I need to wean Michelle, but it’s been so hard lately. She’s very aggressive and abusive when I deny her. It’s not her fault though, she’s found comfort and nutrition in my breasts from the moment she was born.

The timing was just too perfect for our little second baby. I mean, life is imperfect, flawed, hard, and mean. How could I have thought that we’d be lucky enough to have all of our plans work out so nicely? Isn't this past year indicative of how life can be? Being forced to move to Yreka for the year? Having a fallout with my sister, my mother taking her side, stress about paying for two households, and weekly 4 hour drives to and from home? We've calculated it, and it’s been almost 288 hours in the car this year. That’s a lot of driving.

Either way, my point is that things just haven’t been as perfect as people may think. We strive to stay happy and whole while life throws us curve balls, and I guess that’s all we can do. But still. I can’t believe my body betrayed me – betrayed us like that. Michael is just as sad as I am. He held me so tight, so close, while I cried. He even shed a few tears. We didn't jump into this blindly, we were excited and prepared.

We've definitely learned our lesson about sharing the news though. It was hard having to tell people I lost the baby. And hear things like “are you sure” and “it’s okay” because of course I’m sure, and it’s not okay. I don’t really want advice, and nothing is comforting me right now. I don’t want to have to put on a brave face, a tone of understanding, or any other things to avoid offending others if they try and make me feel better. I usually try and show others respect and kindness – and right now I want to be selfish. I want to cry, and mope, and mourn my teeny tiny lost baby. I was 5 weeks/5 weeks 2 days when I miscarried, and my baby was just forming a tail. Not quite a little tadpole baby, but on its way. It was a baby, not just a cluster of cells or a chemical reaction. It was my baby.

Next time Michael and I will wait until we see our doctor and hear our baby’s heartbeat before we tell before we tell anyone. I am so open with my life, and I’m not ashamed of it, but it’s hard to sit here and write this entry. It’s hard to explain that our over-the-moon excitement has crashed and burned, and that we’re all just sort of floundering right now.

If you’re reading this, thanks for the love and warm thoughts; they are so appreciated. I just need time to wallow.

Baby #2

Guess what?! I'm pregnant! :)

We found out on the 3rd after I woke up at 6:30 to take a test. It was already a rough morning because I had to call the cops on our military neighbors while they were blasting techno music at 4:00 am, so when I woke up at 6:30 I didn't expect much. To my delight, I saw a faint line! I couldn't stop smiling! I ran into the room and Michael and Mish were sleeping so adorably that I didn't want to bug him. I poked him in the toe anyway! Lol. He didn't wake up so I slid back into bed. I was laying there smiling and Michael opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled. I whispered "I saw a line. I'm pregnant" and he said "that's great! I'm so happy!" He leaned over the sleeping Michelle between us and gave me a kiss. I said "I love you" and he said "I love you too" and Michelle sleepily said "I love you too". Hahaha! It was such a beautiful moment. We all went back to sleep, and when I woke up Mish did something so sweet that I'll never forget. She just randomly hugged me, kissed both of my cheeks, and said "I love you, Mama". I died. She is so sweet.

I text my mom and told her to call me; she did and I told her. She was very excited :)

Later we went to the dentist (where my mother in law would be cleaning my teeth) and met up with my sister-in-law Rach. When we walked in there Mish said "Mommy's pregnant!" which sounds like "mommy pickant" and it took a sec for them to realize what she said. It was so cute!
I took a vid of Mish saying "mommy pregnant" and sent it to Nikki, she was so excited too :)

And then of course I told Wendy because we always tell each other right when we find out! Lol. And I waited a bit, but later in the day told my closest friends.

We're so excited. Mish keeps saying "baby sister" and saying "mama belly button baby". Haha!

hi

This morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test because apparently I'm a masochist and love to be sad. Lol. I SWORE I saw a super super faint line, but then today I had really light spotting. So period will probably be here tomorrow/the 4th of July. Ill say I won't test again, but then I will. Who am I kidding? Lol.

Michael comes home today and I am SO excited! It's been 3 days since I've seen him and I miss him. I don't expect him to be in the best mood because he's been working 10-13 hour days, and cleaning the house like crazy. He's probably so tired and anxious to get a break from working! After our dentist appointment tomorrow morning, the rest of the day will be all about fun.

TTC moans

Based on my period for the past few months, I'm 3 days late. But I looked back on my old period log and every few months my period will jump up to a longer cycle then go back to normal. So WHO KNOWS when the heck my period is going to start. My tracker usually predicts it perfectly, but I guess this month is a fluke.
I keep getting negative tests too. Damn, I was really hoping for a March baby. Then both of my kiddos would have their own birthday months to themselves :) April is Anthony's birthday month and Easter time.

I had a very quick and ouch-inducing pap today. Woo. Lol. It made me think of when I was in there for my prenatal appointments with Michelle. I had the BEST doctor and now she's not practicing. I am nervous to see a new OB/NP, but I'm more nervous that I won't get pregnant, and the only time I'll be in those rooms is for quick annoying paps. Lol. See how annoying I am after 1 month of ttc? Imagine me if it takes a year or more! :-/

Love and Frustration

I am so frustrated, but also so happy. Yesterday Michael and I had a great time celebrating our anniversary by going out to dinner, grabbing ice cream and walking along a river trail, and driving through the valley, looking at all of the beautiful vineyards and wineries. We also stopped off by our old high school and checked out the mural I helped make, that was up on the wall. Yeah ceramics club! Lol. It was glorious to do all of this alone with Michael <3 And even better, my stupid period hasn't shown up yet!

Downside: I've now had two days where I had a negative pregnancy test! If my period is going to start and I'm not pregnant, then just start already so I can get back to trying to conceive. It's so discouraging to look down and see that little empty box that should have a plus sign. BLAH. I was hoping I would wake up and have a positive test, so I could share it with Michael and we could relish in the news all day. If I am pregnant and I find out later in the week, he won't be here and I'll have to tell him over the phone :( Stupid work. Why can't we just have money and never work? Lazy woman's dream over here.

In all honestly, I feel pregnant. But maybe it's just extended PMS? Maybe I just want it so badly that I'm having these symptoms? Either way, I guess I'll take a break from testing, because it's just bumming me out. (Remember to tell that to 5:00 am-Jessica tomorrow because I'm sure her psycho ass will test anyways and break normal-time Jessica's heart).

Anxious!

Tomorrow's a pretty big day. I'm taking a pregnancy test if my period doesn't start over night! But that's not the biggest thing about tomorrow - Michael and I are celebrating 10 years together! TEN! We have the morning to spend together, a birthday party in the afternoon, and then we're going out to dinner and maybe a movie in Napa. I'm really looking forward to it! :)

Nothing but rambles

SO, I found my old blog entry from when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept track of my period date, ovulation, and testing dates. If I apply that same timeline to my current cycle, I should test on Saturday the 28th, which is when I was going to anyways because it's when Aunt Flo is supposed to start.

I still think my period is going to start, but I'm so anxious and excited to see if it doesn't. Gosh, am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I wish I was one of those people that could just have sex, and then wait around for a missed period without thinking about it day and night.

Right now it's raining in Yreka, which is weird because we're 5 days away from July! Of course it's going to be 99 back at home all next week. Lol, why do I always bring the heatwaves home with me?!
Mish is fighting a nap right now, and making a huge mess of the house. I stayed up until 12:30 last night cleaning this place and it's amazing how fast it got messy. Lol! Oh life with a toddler <3

PMS or Pregnant?

I've been super grouchy the past few days. Like, bite your head off for breathing loudly kind of grouchy. I think I'm PMSing, which would mean no dice on that June pregnancy wish. :( Hopefully it's just a side-effect of being sick, and not Aunt Flo's impending doom.

My house is so messy, my kid is gunky-faced and shaggy-haired, and I look like that crazy neighbor you want to avoid because you're worried I'll get you sick or set a spell on you. Lol.

Michael is on his way home and he said he's going to take Michelle to the grocery store with him so I can wail and cast spells alone in my hovel. Even the weather is reflecting my grouchy mood. It's super overcast and windy here in Yreka - and it's the end of June! Serious angry witch magic going on.

---
Michael just came and left with Michelle. I told him abut my fear that my period's about to start and he said "I hope not! I really hope you're pregnant" Even though he didn't mean to, he brightened my mood significantly. Just knowing that he wants this as much as me makes me feel less alone. <3

Sickness and Road Trip Rambles

I remember when the drive to and from Redding felt so long. Now, once we get to Redding after 2.5 hours in the car, we know that we only have 1.5 hours left until we reach Yreka. Haha. It’s all about perspective, I guess.

Right now it is 7:45 am and Michael has been driving since 5 am. Mish is sleeping in the back and Charlie is looking over the seat at me, wondering what that clicking sound is (my keyboard). He usually sleeps, with random bouts of looking out the window or licking Michelle’s feet.

Last Monday on our drive home Mish had woken up to day 2 of a bad cold bug, and she barely slept more than 30 minute intervals. The drive was so bad on her head (the elevation changes once we hit Redding are killer if you’re congested – driving up the Mountain and then back down), that all she did was cry and fuss. I felt so bad for her. I felt even worse for her when we drove back to the Bay Area on Friday when I was the one congested. I then knew how bad that drive really was for her, and I don’t blame her for not being able to sleep or get comfortable. This cold is killer; it consists of congestion with a runny nose (how?!), sore throat and coughing, and headaches.

Michelle has almost kicked the cold (it’s been a week of bad nights and round the clock nursing. My milk supply is way too much now), but now I’m fighting it off. I think if I got sick first, I could have kicked it quicker, and then she would have some of my immunities…but alas, she got sick first and drained my body of nutrients while she nursed 24/7. Lol. I don’t blame her though, she can’t control getting sick, and the most comforting thing she knows of doing is nursing in Mama’s arms. She’s even been asking for it while we are driving, and will cry until we pull over. That part’s not cool. She’s having trouble soothing herself when she gets restless. Hopefully she feels better this week and we can all get some much needed rest.

I’m a little worried that my body will be tricked into thinking I’m not fit to get pregnant yet, because it’s been getting sucked dry, and then I got ill. Last night Mish cried to nurse, and I let her for a bit. But then I started getting cramps in my lower stomach (uterus?) and got freaked. How on earth will I wean this child? I don’t want her to feel like I’m just ripping her off the boob and throwing her to the wolves, but slowly cutting back hasn’t seemed to work. We were down to mornings, nap, nighttime nursing sessions (sometimes skipping one or the other), but then it picked up big time when she got sick.

Man, this blog entry sure was rambly. Rambling? I rambled. Woo.

Time Flies

Listening to Alanis Morissette while driving from Y to the Bay Area. Makes me think of being young in the 90's, wearing inside-out sweatshirts that were longer than my shorts, riding my roller blades all over town until the street lights came on, and feeling so happy and free. I still feel happy (ridiculously happy, actually), but there is no feeling in the world like being a kid and seeing the whole world in front of you. It’s just a shame that we can’t appreciate what we have until we've grown out of it. Thankfully with adulthood we are able to savor the moment.

I guess that’s one fun thing about being a parent: watching your kids experience those things you did, and being able to appreciate it this time around. Hindsight and whatnot ;-) I think it’s also what makes me a horrible sucker when it comes to buying toys. I think of all the fun I had with certain toys, and the yearning I had for others, and I just can’t stop myself from buying those things for Mish. Lol.

Now this post wouldn't be complete without a totally random and rambling exert about my desire to be pregnant and my fears that I won’t conceive for a while. Part of me thinks I might be pregnant, but then another part of me is so cynical and pragmatic. I felt like such a fertile-Myrtle when I got pregnant with Mish the first time we tried, but after hanging out in pregnancy forums I’m scared and anxious. Ugh! I would avoid them, but I get so obsessive about things and I know it wears Michael out, so I try and limit my obsessive rants to him. Lol. 

Britax Stroller and Ovulating

I'm such a weirdo. I am not even pregnant yet (that I know of) and I am already researching the stroller I want to buy. It's the Britax B Ready. It converts into a double stroller and it's really freaking cute. I've been watching videos all day about it, and now I am dying to buy one. I think I am going to buy it in stages. If I can find it for a good price I'll get the stroller (Mish still rides in one) now, then the car seat once we find out I'm pregnant and what the sex of the baby is going to be.

This week Michelle has been extra grouchy and wouldn't eat anything (other than trying to nurse all day), so I've been pretty stressed out. I don't blame her though, she's sick. My poor kid caught some kind of coughing, sore throat, congested bug. She's been miserable for almost a week, so hopefully this weekend she feels better. I want her to have fun, eat, and be her normal, happy self. She's such a sweetie, so it's hard to have her being so moody.

I've decided that if I start my period on the 28th-4th (meaning I'm not knocked up), then I'm going to start tracking my basal body temperature to know exactly when I'm ovulating. I am on a baby/pregnancy/ttc forum and all of the women are so knowledgeable about their ovulation. I know that my cycle has been freaking crazy since giving birth, but my iPhone period tracking app is usually right about predicting my period start date. For the past few months I've been having a 25 day cycle. If it tracks my ovulation correctly, then Michael and I did the deed on the last possible day for conception. If I give myself until the 4th to start my period, then I ovulated later and we bumped uglies a few times during our window of opportunity. It's so frustrating to have a period that has a mind of its own.

Trying Again

I have this pent up energy and nowhere to really turn or write. I love love LOVE my Bergman Diaries blog, but the thing I want to talk about is not something I really want to write about on there. Usually I would, but lately I feel like I should start holding back online. Everyone else I know has this normal amount of privacy, and I'm here like "hey I pooped today and it was brown and green!". Lol. I don't feel shame about my own lake of modesty, but sometimes I wonder if I should.

Anyways, since I haven't been telling anyone when I've been updating my main blog, I haven't gotten any views or comments. If that one is going unwatched, I know this one definitely is. Makes a good place to keep track of my thoughts, vents, and too-private-to-post-about things :)

Okay, here we go!

Up until this month I have been so sure that I don't want another baby. I looked into the eyes of my gorgeous little toddler and knew that she fulfilled every hope and dream I ever had for a child of my own. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, but if you want to read that go check out Bergman Diaries ;-)
I mentioned something like this to Diann and she said that saying things like that to people with multiple kids is offensive. That they might think that I'm saying that parents will stop once they get the "good" kid, and said "don't you think they love that first kid more than anything?" and it made something click in my mind.

Having another kid wouldn't mean that Michelle means any less to me, or that she still isn't the coolest freaking kid in the world, but it means that I can have a whole house full of awesome people. I'm not saying that I am not afraid of my love being enough, and that I'm not afraid of Michelle feeling confused, unwanted, or ignored. What I am saying is that I think every parent worries about this when they bring another child into this world, and that everyone I know loves ALL of their kids just as much, and as fiercely as I love Michelle.

All of that rambling and venting means one thing: I am ready for another amazing, awesome, cool child. I talked to Michael about it, and so it he. It's scary when I think about it too hard, but I know in my heart that it's time.
I've been tracking my period since Michelle was born, so hopefully my ovulation tracker(s) are accurate. One says I was ovulating last week, one says this week. My cervical fluid was optimal a few days ago, so hopefully my egg captured some silly sperm and I have a baby brewing. Who knows..we'll see between our 10 year anniversary (ah!) on the 28th, and the 4th of July. If my period doesn't start on the 28th, I might do a test..or I might wait until the 4th. Ah! Crazy to think about.

However, Mish caught a cold and has been nursing SO much lately, so that could impact my abilities to conceive right now (dries up cervical fluids). Lol, good timing! I think if I get pregnant, then yay! If not this month, then we'll try again in July.

Feels good to write about! <3

To my readers

I understand that this blog is public, but all I ask is that you come to me with questions about me, my life, any situations regarding me, or my family. Going to someone you think you can trust will only hurt me in the end.

You have a question? Just ask. I don't hold back much online, it's just who I am. But if you take time out to read about my adventures and rants, then I will respond when you talk to me. It's the polite thing to do on my end :)

Yes, there is family drama right now, and yeah, I'm taking it hard. But, and I don't mean to sound rude, I FEEL a lot more strongly and with my whole heart than the people involved. Everyone  involved.

Thanks <3

Just keep swimming

It's really hard to keep my positive vibes flowing when life gets so shitty. Let me rephrase that, life isn't shitty, but shitty stuff has been happening. Should I rehash it online?  I don't want to hurt feelings or offend anyone, so I'll just be vague and annoying about super person stuff that's not my business to tell.

My younger sister and I had a fight, she's moving out. Hopefully we make up, but she left because stuff was getting bad on her end and my house wasn't being loved the way it should have been. I couldn't have done anything that would have made me feel good. Let her stay, my house be abused, and I would be a floor mat that people walked all over; or, I could ask her to leave and my family would be a tiffed at me, and she and I wouldn't talk. I chose to do what was best for my little immediate family and ask her to leave. Easter's going to be awkward. Lol. It's really not funny, but if I don't laugh, I get sad.

I have had horrible insomnia over all this, but thankfully I talked to my mom and I feel better. While she's not going to get involved or badmouth my sister (and I don't want her bad-mouthed), I know that she understands where I'm coming from, and she doesn't think I did anything that I didn't think was right.. I just feel bad that my parents' empty home is now stuffed full of people and their bills are going to go up. I know they've loved having the house to themselves, so it's going to be an adjustment for everyone.

AH, and then some petty part of me is glad to have my house back to my little family. I get to fix damaged stuff (no biggie), paint walls, and get the house ready for when we move home. Plus, we want to get pregnant soon-ish, so I want to work on getting baby stuff arranged in the nursery for future baby B.

Thankfully only a few people know about this blog, so I can vent, get it off my chest, and not have rumors spread about my family. Aye yi yi.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Lose it lose it lose it!

I remember how I felt when I first started my weight loss journey in April of 2013. I was determined, committed to the core, and ready to take on the world. I also lived in the home I owned, in a town I like in the Bay Area, that has sidewalks, safe running paths, and a supportive family. It helped me drop 40 lbs! 

Fast forward to August/September when we moved to Northern California (near the Oregon border) for a one year rotation, in a town with inconsistent sidewalks (if any at all), zero culture, and bad weather (snow!! And the rain coupled with zero sidewalks equals muddy and dirty walks). I was still experiencing BIG weight loss, and the weather hadn't turned yet, so I made due with the cards I was dealt, and kept pushing forward. I was at a 50 lbs loss at this point. 

After Thanksgiving and Christmas I had gained back almost TEN pounds! Then the weather was horrid, and I sort of lost sight of my determination, and started over eating and forgetting to track my calories. The weight still hasn't fully come off, and I'm super irritated with myself! 
Where did that hardcore attitude go? I honestly believe my weight loss was due to a lifestyle change, but the holidays made me lose that heart. 
AH! 

Well, today I tracked my calories (even though I KNEW I ate too much) and to my surprise I was only 80 calories over my max. I was so relieved, and then I thought, NO! That's nothing to feel content with. I have just been skating by, doing zero work to get back on track. So, I changed my weight loss goals (I technically am AT GOAL, but I enjoyed my weight a little bit lower) and now my calories are drastically lower. Eep. 

For some reason I'm not too worried. I know I will eat at the top end of my calories, and that's okay. I still breastfeed my toddler, so I need the calories. But I'm glad I'm at a more appropriate range so I will start seeing some weigh loss again. 

Where the heck am I going with this? I don't know, I just know I need to write this all down, because I know I've been avoiding it for months and there are no more excuses. 
Sparkpeople was my saving grace before, and I hope it will be again.
Let's do this! The past is the past, tomorrow is a new day!

Lazy Sunday Love

Man, my last few blogs have sounded really whiny! I came across a picture online that made me think about how I think about my problems sometimes, and how I need to break myself of that bad habit.

Not the best quality pic, and not sure of the source.

Yesterday was awesome. We went into Oregon and lurked around some antique stores and secondhand shops. I found the CUTEST silver jewelry box for only $2 (seriously, the best find!), and Mish got her first Cabbage Patch Doll.
We got dinner in Oregon, and drove home through a pretty hard snow storm. It was only up in the mountains, so thankfully Yreka wasn't hit. Charlie was outside while we were gone (he's known for pooing and peeing when left alone in the house, but doesn't do it when we are home - dominance issues lately :-/), so we were anxious to get home safely and quickly.

Today has been a lazy day. We just watched the 49er game, ate breakfast, and now we're relaxing. I'm cuddled up by the heater; Michael and Mish are in the bedroom cuddled in bed. Mish is sleeping, and Michael is patting her back every now and then to keep her asleep. I'm so grateful he's doing it; if he wasn't, I'd probably be nursing her back to sleep every 10 minutes. So instead, I'm on pinterest, going on a pinning binge while the rain lighting taps my window, and my cat purrs at my side.

Happy Sunday!

Eating

Today was better than yesterday, in terms of my eating, but still not the very best. I think it's because I'm essentially stuck in our house in Yreka. It's too cold to go outside (and it's been raining on and off), and this town is so boring. The natural beauty is hard to enjoy when there's nothing to do with it (parks, hiking, swimming, etc). Just look around? I hate to sound depressing, but I appreciate the beauty from my windows and when we venture out to the store. I don't think walking around the block, that doesn't have sidewalks, avoiding black ice patches and grey slushy snow is very exciting. Our backyard is gorgeous, but it's kinda muddy from the rain. Jeeze! I sound so down, but I'm really not. I just feel stuck in the house. Which translates to me eating more junk. And since we don't keep junk-junk in the house, it's me over-eating things like PB&J and yogurt. Lol.

On the plus side, I got some great shots of Mish while I was lazing around. Such a beautiful little girl, isn't she? <3

Food, I hate you.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I think this is evident in my high weight for the past decade, but I don't think it's as obvious how big of a problem it's been.

I don't think I've ever really come out and talked about the depth of my issues with food, but tonight I'm feeling a little more anxious about binging, so I decided to keep myself busy. And I'll be totally honest, I have been sneaking food all day. Even while Michael was at work, I was sneaking food and eating it like a freaking tweaker. I know how many calories I'm supposed to eat a day, but if I don't track my breakfast, I'll just eat whatever crap I can think of for the rest of the day. This isn't new, but for the past 8 months I've been sticking with our new lifestyle change wonderfully. All of a sudden I'm having binge issues again :-/

Ugh! I feel like I just need to let it all out.

So, I am not going to lay this out in a way that places blame on anyone. I just want to talk about my history with food.

When I was younger, I was the world's pickiest eater. I think I cried at the dinner table more than I ate. I didn't like certain tastes, textures, or appearances. I swear I could find the tiniest onion in a whole pot of soup and cry that it was too oniony. It was horrible for everyone in my family.
It didn't help that my family's cupboards were filled with so much junk food. Cookies, crackers, juices, pastries, ice cream, and sugary snacks were abundant.

My sisters grabbed one snack here and there, and ate them how my mom and dad would hope. I did not do this. I binged on junk food all day. I was a junk food junkie. Soon my parents told me I needed to cool it on snacks before dinner (an obvious decision), and thus started my bad habit of sneaking food.
And it wasn't just that I sneaked the food, I had a whole way of eating my stolen goods. Take the apple homerun pies. Remember those? They were individually wrapped pies similar to the hostess ones; filled with apple pie filling, cherry filling, or chocolate pudding. Anyway, I would grab one in front of my mom, and when she looked away I would grab another and shove it down my shit. Then I'd hurry off to my room where I'd scarf the first one down as fast as I could before anyone would catch me with two pies, then slowly eat the second one in my special way. I had a whole process of eating the crust and filling. Soon my mom caught on that I was eating more than I let on, and they explicitly limited my homerun pies to one per day. I was the only one who ate them! Why did they keep buying them? I guess because they love me and thought it wasn't a big deal.

It's really sad to think about it now. Even now, I think about those effing pies! I haven't had one in years, but I remember exactly how I felt when I ate them.

Even these past 8 months of eating great haven't really changed my relationship with food. I just ignore my impulse to binge (how? I don't know. Something randomly clicked back in April and the holidays messed me up) instead of really embracing a healthy diet. I love eating better, and I feel better, but I crave junk food so much these days.

I have become really aware of parental influence on the way a child eats, and I don't want Mish to have any of my problems. We have always offered her healthy snacks, we don't really keep junk in the house, and I never let her see me making a face about food I don't like. I despise shrimp, but when she first ate it, she looked at me to see my reaction and I just smiled and said "yum!" like it was awesome that she ate such a great food.
My parents think I will do more harm than good by keeping soda and junk out of the house. They think she will become a fiend for it when she finally gets a taste. But we don't deprive her of anything. When we get a frozen yogurt or special treat, we always give her some. We just don't make food a big deal to her. We don't reward or punish with food. There is no "do this and you'll get a treat" or "if you don't do this I won't give you a treat" because food is food, not a bargaining chip. 

If I am aware of these things, why can't I just get over my deal with food? Why can't I stick to a meal plan, or not eat when I'm not hungry? Why am I still sneaking food and hating myself when I finally cave and eat that 4th pear for the day, or a whole bag of popcorn.
Side note: you CAN binge on fruit or healthy stuff. Binging is binging. Too many calories in is too many calories.

UGH! I don't think this blog entry is going to have a satisfying ending. I have no answer for myself, and I don't think anyone is going to offer up anything I haven't already heard or told myself. Plus, no one really reads this ;-)

Aye yi yi. Time for bed.

Hi

How many blogs does one woman need?! In case you click on my blog author description, you'll see another blog added to my huge collection of blogs. The new one, Bergman Family Eats, is just one for me to keep track of recipes we love. I plan on making a personal home cookbook for us to refer back to in times of need. We tend to cycle meals in and out of rotation, and I'd like to keep track of calories, ingredients, and such. Don't bother following it, but also, don't feel like I don't want anyone looking over there. It's just not going to be very entertaining. Not that this particular blog is entertaining. Haha.

In other news, snow is on the forecast for the end of the week. NO! It means I'm stuck at home, unable to drive anywhere if I want some adventure. I'm freaked out about driving in the snow. Rain is on the forecast tomorrow, but I can handle that. I actually welcome the rain; it's been a dry winter, I love the rain, and summer-me loves swimming :)

Today was pretty stressful (money stuff), but thankfully it's handled. I am so grateful for my mom and dad, that's all I'm going to say.

Yadda yadda yadda

Weight gain!

I feel like a douche even staring this blog because of what I'm going to say. I'm sad! I stepped on the scale this morning and I weighed 145.7 lbs. Okay, so this means I've gained about 6 pounds this holiday season. I mean, it could just be from this holiday season, but if I'm 100% honest with myself, it started around Halloween. I know, boo hoo, 6 lbs. But I've worked damned hard to lose every pound, so I'm mad at myself for gaining. I could throw around the blame game and say that it's muscle gain from TRX, or that I'm dehydrated so it's water weight, but I really think I just ate like a fat pig and it caught up with me.

Alrighty then! So what's today? The 6th. Okay, well starting now I'm also going to try and keep track of my weight in this journal. Any way to stay accountable, right?

Michelle is dying to go outside today, and even if I bundled her up, we'd still have to avoid all of the snow and ice that has compacted on the sides of the road. 90% of the snow has melted, but the stuff that was left behind is really hard, slick, and dirty. I don't think I'll have a stable surface to take Mish on a walk.
I really should just get all of our clothes unpacked and organized, but damn that sounds boring. Lol. Oh well, it's part of my 2014 resolution, right? Organize my life and do things that need to be done!

Lazy update

I'm mother-flipping Julia Child today. On the menu: baked potatoes chili, and hot dogs (veg for me, duh). My perfectly cooked baked potatoes were SO GOOD, and the chili that's still bubbling away smells so freaking good. Toot toot! Can't wait to have a chili dog for dinner.

Our house, of course, is a disaster from all of our clothes that we're half-ass unpacking. I was going to do it today while Michael watched the game, but I am pretty much useless with my sore ass muscles. Lol, thanks TRX, you give health, you take away mobility for a few days. It's crazy where I'm sore - under my arm pits and my upper back. I didn't even know I had muscles there!

I am sad Michael is going back to work tomorrow. I know he has to, but I wish we had just one more day to mess around. He works so hard, it's been nice to see him not constantly on the go. We're not exactly sure when we're coming back down to the Bay Area after we come down one more time this month (Mish's bestie's bday party). We need a break from driving. It's exhausting, and we never really get to spend any time doing nothing when we're home, because we want to make sure and see everyone while we can. It would be nice to do absolutely nothing in our house, but it's kind of not an option. That's why it will be nice to stay in Yreka for a bit, we can just fart around and do things without worrying about a timeline or that dam 4 hour drive. Just sucks that we don't get to see our friends/family.

Working out and heading home

I am so excited to head home, and I'm so sad that we are leaving our house. I sound like a crazy person when I say that, but I feel so conflicted about going/coming home. Are we leaving our home to go home? Is Yreka our home now?
I like that we will have our normal routine and our privacy back, but I miss my big beautiful house. I love that we are able to come down to FF at all, but it's just not the house we left behind. Soon we'll be truly home though, and things will be back to normal. In the mean time, we're headed back to Yreka.

We have so much packing to do, but I decided to go to TRX and get in my last structured workout for a while. I feel kinda sick and super sore though, so hopefully I don't regret it when I'm sitting in the car for 4 hours!
We really spread out while we were in FF these past two weeks and packing is going to be a bitch. Our room needs sorting, the downstairs does, and our car is a wreck! Not to mention our windshield was just fixed yesterday, and to avoid cabin pressure we have to leave the windows cracked for a few days. That means our car ride North is going to be loud and chilly.

Apparently Charlie is having dominance/jealousy issues with Michelle. He keeps peeing on her toys and knocking her down. We have to keep a close eye on him when we get home, but also give him some extra love and attention. He hasn't had as much attention since being in FF because we've had so many errands and plans to keep up with.

Yesterday evening we had the best time playing Cards Against Humanity with our friends Jeff and Jessica. It was the most relaxing and fun night we've had in a while! It was so laid back and fun. All we did was play, laugh, chill, then leave. I know Michael misses hanging out with Jeff, and I really miss Jess, so it was nice to see some friends while we were down. Normally we just see family, which is awesome, but we miss our friends too.

Ok, off to pack. Hopefully we get it all done quickly!

Changes

I don't really know where I'm going with this entry today. Maybe it's an introduction of sorts. I just know that I want to get a blog started and keep writing in it as the year goes on. I don't want my only records of my days to be stored on Facebook, and it's really hard for me to keep a physical journal going because I print much slower than I type. My brain moves fast and I want the words out as they come. I need a safe place to vent, cheer, and pour out my thoughts, and just babble on, without worry of repercussions. So hopefully this is it, and hopefully I am able to write a journal/blog/diary without it turning into one giant bitch-fest.

I already wrote in my public blog about my new years resolutions, so I won't rehash any of that, but all of that still is on my mind. I really want to be a more positive, stronger, and adventurous person. I don't think I can make myself into an extrovert, and that's not really my goal, it's just to push my limits and be a better me. No more lounging all day in my pjs watching TV while Michelle begs for attention. No more snapping at her and Michael because I'm bitchy from doing nothing all day. I think routine, planing, and spontaneous FUN are needed in my life. Sounds contradictory? Well I need those aspects in different parts of my life. The biggest thing I hope I will gain is patience and understanding. I feel like I've been turning into the worst of myself, and that's not cool.

I think it will start with who I confide in, who I spend my time with, and the way I feel when I'm around certain people. I need to limit my time with people who make me feel inferior, dumb, or bad about myself and my choices. I shouldn't confide in those people, and I should stop letting them dictate my self perception. I keep giving away my power (my mental power - the thing that no one even hears or feels but me) to people who abuse me (either passive aggressively or just don't value me), and I need to stop that! I will work on being better and more available to the people who are always there for me, but aren't as loud and out there about it. The people who genuinely care, the people who keep my secrets, don't talk about me behind my back, and love me for who I am, not what I give them (an ear to vent, a cute baby to play with, loans, a place holder until someone better is available).

It's easy to try and chase after love from people who hold you at arms length, but WHY bother?! I need to stop. And I also need to stop letting people bully me into doing things I don't want to do, and hiding my true self because it's not what someone else thinks is good or cool. I say weird things, I act in weird ways, I'm a freaking weirdo. Get over it! I'm not always aware of my voice level, who is in ear shot, or what is socially acceptable (not in a rude way, just in a weird/nerdy/awkward way), and that's okay! I shouldn't have to shove down my true self because I'm worried about what Susan the neighbor or Rhonda the woman passing by thinks of me. My husband loves me, my child loves me, and they accept me for who I am, so I should start doing it too - and ignore the snide remakes/raised eyebrows/or whispers behind my back. I am me, I get ONE life, and I don't want to waste it. I'm not saying this with any one person in mind, and it's not about others, it's about ME and how I have been acting lately.

I'm going to stop guessing what others want or need, and just ask. I won't play into anyone's games, and I won't do things based on some weird sense of obligation or mind reading attempt. You want me, my daughter, my husband? Ask for us. You want me to do something for you? Ask me. You think I'm being awkward, rude, or inappropriate. Tell me! But I won't dwell or feel bad about it, because I am trying to be a better me in this world.

I really hope this doesn't sound mean, because I'm not coming from a mean place. I am hoping this sounds more decisive, more intuitive with myself, and anxious to be better. Not for anyone other than me and my little immediate family. <3